KV

Who Knows

2008-09-16T11:21:19Z

I am sitting waiting for my life to change.
Yes.. it's all very passive of me.
But I have done the hard work of sorting things out.. and now I have to be patient and see how the wheel turns, not force things, as is my usual method.
I am not good at waiting.
At least the job side of things is changing for the better although that took much too long. Woo for a job title!
Apparently I will be stressed. I am setting up processes and training manuals in preparation for the potential work onslaught.
My words sit, sit waiting for expression. But there are other things on my mind. I know I need to cut people out. End it. Transform it perhaps but it all seems so tiring and I would much prefer for it all to fade away rather than be strong and slash it all to bits.
Waiting, waiting for confirmation of my Fringe festival shifts.. I want things to move.
Too many years of just existing and wasting time.
I want my life to start being amazing and wonderful. Or at the least for me to start thinking of it that way.

My brain hurts

2008-05-12T13:54:17Z

Migraines are bad. Understatement of the week.
Authenticity. Life aim and word of the week.
"..avoid becoming a paid up member of the walking dead.." Leunig. Badly remembered and quoted quote of the week.

Why is my bank getting gobbled up by Westpac? I only just changed over to avoid the Evil Big Banks.. You would think a Bank with a Dragon on the card would have a bit of bite and manage not get eaten up.

Petrol likely to hit over $200 per barrel. Concerns peak oil has been reached. And I decide to leave my cushy job in the city near the train, for a job where I have to drive my car.. What great timing.

I consider the possibility of zooming around on a cool lil scooter.. and then I remember where I live. And the fact winter hasn't really quite hit yet changes my mind. Aah to live in a moderate climate for more than 4 months of the year.

I knew I shouldn't have turned on the tv tonight. Real life has just smacked me in the face again. What are we doing to the world?

Yay for the Eagles

2006-09-30T13:59:16Z

Go the Mighty Eagles.
I know they beat the Crows but damn it at least they aren't a Melbourne Team!
Hmm I guess that's a bad thing not getting behind my adoptive city's Sacred Day of DAYS.
Unlike everyone else in Melbourne celebrating by having a BBQ and drinking lots of beer.. I have spent another weekend moving my junk. YAY for having lots of books.. I really should get around to reading some of them.
Then I proceeded to clean the new house, tidy my room, do the dishes, update my LJ.. and avoid the one thing I should be doing. I really just can't handle absorbing cultural theory at this time of the night or alternatively evaluating how best to develop a successful website for a business.. Why didn't I pick fun subjects? There are Uni's after all that have courses entirely devoted to analysing Buffy the Vampire Slayer and other popular culture phenomenas. I must convince myself I am smart and slightly intelligent because these Uni people are making me feel dumb..
Oh wait a minute.. I just get to go to work on Monday to feel all intelligent and superior again. I knew there was some good reason for the whole "work" thing.
Blah. I'll finish this glass of red wine then I crash. Brain strain will just have to wait until tomorrow.
____
Hmm how stuffed up am I? I just realised I had a CD on not the radio, and I had previously accused the live mix it up dj of just putting a CD on.. Oh dear. Definitely Sleep Time.

Long time no write

2006-09-25T14:35:58Z

No time no time, what I would do for a 48hour day so that I could fit in everything and still have down time.
I have moved for the 2nd time this year with another imminent move in 3 months. I am kinda of getting sick of living out of boxes and perpetually unpacking boxes and re-packing just in order to find things.
I have finally got off my butt to study again. Post Grad is damn difficult after being merely a slack workaholic. My brain hurts. My eyes hurt. Too much reading and writing. But it has definitely changed my perspective. Work doesn't get to me so much and I spend all day thinking about how exciting and challenging my final project will be.
My nephew has turned one and he is a cheeky demanding lil thing. Of course he knows how to twist females around his lil finger - he just flutters his eyelashes to emhasise his big blue eyes and then giggles to show his dimples and shyly hides his head, whilst checking that you are noticing his utter adorability. Sneaky lil boy. I am his favourite person (other then the obvious two) because I endlessly point to the same things over and over again saying what they are as he grabs my finger and point towards things - "door, door, door again, furby, furby, yes that's a furby - you want to play with the furby? Oh, you want the furby to go back, No? You want to play? Hmm look the furby wants to stay asleep I think we'll leave him there.. hey look at the book. Book Book.. no.. not a dog.. book." I don't know how my sister copes with that level of conversation all day every day...
Work is its usual annoyance - being much mentioned telecommunications company going through one click, one button transformation. Ha.. Enough said.
Hopefully no one notices that I am obviously avoiding Uni work that is due sometime later this morning..
This is going to be a long night.

Family Overload

2005-07-22T13:17:53Z

Having at least one person from my family visit every weekend for the last month is starting to take its toll. Being far away from my family made me finally appreciate them... but small doses with distances in between is the best way to make the most of them. It is better to miss people than want them somewhere else.. Well that's my twisted philosophy.
It probably hasn't helped that work is still a pain in the butt.. and I am having great reservations about my future career path.. Actually I am getting mighty frustrated with having no time, energy or space to write. This morning when I was dosing up on caffeine in front of my work computer, I was wishing that I could have my lovely laptop in front of me instead and be finishing my story.. or starting on my other story.. Some kind of writing, any kind of writing. I figure I am never going to have enough money to buy a house etc etc so I may as well spend my life doing something that I like instead of feeling shit and stressed, frustrated and angry every day.

I really seriously can't believe the way This Company treats people. I am helping a guy who has worked there for 32 years write his resume. He is doing training on how to get another job etc.. and no-one has sat down with him and helped him to sort out what kind of thing to put in his resume. Someone suggested I help him, as I unofficially seem to fix everyone else's resume (except my own). He had written a page summing up his career.... this is someone who was a team leader, a technical specialist.. I can't believe they shafted him like they did and now they just leave him with no real assistance.. I showed him my 3 page resume so he could get some ideas. It just makes me sad. He has so much still to offer but he has been made to feel like he has nothing that is worthwhile to give outside "The Company". I don't think I want to waste my energy and time with This Place anymore ...
Geesh.. how often do I say that?

Pretty in Pink

2005-06-07T12:32:11Z

I wore a bright pink chinese style top today. All day I had people shielding their eyes or making "Oooh Pretty in Pink!" comments. I think this implies I obviously wear a lot of black... But it was nice.. it even made my mood all boppy and sparky.. which is bizarre considering the atmosphere in which I am working in at the moment. We are in the midst of a resource evaluation and today was the second day of people having interviews to convince the Powers That Be, that they should keep their jobs or be given a package. I guess it was good to provide a bright moment in everyone's day, even if it was just my top.
I still think it is ironic that at my work I am like this bubbly lil social butterfly.. which is.. odd.. cos I wouldn't exactly nominate myself for Homecoming Queen type stakes. I think this perhaps gives an indication of the social skills and level of happiness of my work mates. Although it makes a definite improvement from my psycho bitch antics last week.. I thought everyone was avoiding me because I might break them but apparently they were all scared they would break me.. I'm a bit worried that people would consider me so fragile. After all.. it does take a while for me to reach those psychotic limits of rage and death by stare.

I must be Buffy Addicted because I almost bought a book which had a whole range of philosophical essays about Buffy and how Buffy episodes deal with highly complex philosophical concepts and ideas. I think perhaps that is something I should look into.. creating something which looks at complex issues in an easily digestable format whilst at the same time still providing enough substanance that brains have something to chew on (hmmm highly worrying image I am thinking) - after all Socrates started Philosophy off with a good hard look at the way people around him acted and why... there is no need to institutionalise certain forms of knowledge and make them some form of elitist "power"..
Okies..
ranting mush babble ends now..
sleep..

oh where for art thou sleep?

Dall'Italia all'Australia

2005-05-30T12:18:52Z

No.. I haven't quite learnt Italian yet.. I went to see a silent movie on Sunday with lil sis. It was from 1924 "Impressions of the voyage of the SS Regina d'Italia towards the mysterious Orient and the fascinating Far South. This was the era of steam - Steam boats, steam trains. Auto-mobiles were some new fangled invention that few possessed.
The journey started out in Italy. There were fuzzy badly exposed vistas of a distant past and land. A lot of views of the sky and the sea. The sound of the Melbourne Town Hall Organ pushing the images along as Italian narrative screens popped up to explain what was going on. The audience ruffled the pages of the programme to read the english translation (at least I wasn't the only person who couldn't read Italian). Images of Italy, the Mediterranean, Egypt, the Suez canal, boats and camels, people, India.
It was fascinating to see the things that the film maker thought were points of interests. In india, the fact women had ear-rings in their nose, the very English buildings contrasting with the tropical vegetation, the people, rickshaws, Buddhist temples.
And then on to Australia..with Fremantle the first of the Australian ports. So strange to see views of old fashioned Perth splattered out along the river as seen from Kings Park. Then Adelaide with various buildings and monuments still recognisable. A special mention of the Gothic revival Cathedral surrounded by parks and gardens. I loved the comment regarding Adelaide "It has very elegant, straight, very busy streets.." he he he.. I guess a lot has changed since 1924.. Then onto Melbourne with its trams running on underground electricity - that was freaky.. pity it isn't in use now. The streets looked so much more open and clean without the tapestry of wires. Sydney involved a lot of views of the Harbour and the Zoo. The film maker thought it was peculiar there were Donkeys in a zoo.. which says something about the fate of donkeys in 1924 everywhere else other than Australia.
Anyway.. It was a fascinating historical document and I was very glad that I had the opportunity to see it. It's difficult to imagine how it must have been taking 2 months to travel to the other side of the world. Nowdays "The World" is only 24 hours away and I still can't find the time and money to go.. Although somehow I think it is far more civilised to take the time to experience the journey rather than just getting to a destination. Perhaps in our rush to be somewhere we have lost the ability to enjoy the moment..

Stress

2005-05-25T12:36:13Z

oh so many things would look better flat,
flat and squished and mushed in mud..
a particular face, arm or head
mulched into the earth
nothing could be finer than that
the falling of monitors from 8th floors
floating down, crashing and smashing
explosive and compulsive tension release
the punching of computer keys
phones and filing cabinets as well
dents in metal bruising pain
glass doors with splintering lines
chromatised elevator doors welded shut
no getting out or in down or up
no going anywhere except in a little box
closed safe and dark
no escape from the screaming within
but to punch bruise smash and crash
all apart in my head..

Buffy is taking over my life

2005-05-22T11:17:03Z

It is a scary day when every 2nd night I watch 4 episodes of Buffy and in some strange synchronistic way those episode have some parallel to my current life situation.
Does this signify that Buffy deals with such fundamental issues that it has some sort of connection with everyone.. or does this mean I am over-dosing? Nah.. it's not over-dosing.. besides I'm only up to season 4 and I still have Angel to watch.. But maybe I am avoiding dealing with my real life and am trying any way possible to put off doing some hard work fixing things up.. or maybe I have no money to have a life anymore now that I live in a nice place.. Or I am avoiding finishing my short story for potential publication? Or is it the confusion of the male species and my reaction to them? Or.. am I bored..
And people wonder why I am so confused..and confusing.

Way Behind the times

2005-03-29T12:54:05Z

I am soo far behind.. but I am a Buffy Addict. After watching a few episodes on and off when I remembered what night, channel and time it was on.. I have now discovered the joy and vampire slayerish that is Buffy thanks to the wonders of DVD. Now I can watch the whole series intensely one after another. Wow.. now I get all the conversations that went over my head over all these years. Oh what a sad day realising the extent of my pop-culture blindness.
I am converted.

Just for the record

2004-12-12T09:59:19Z

As quoted in an interview with Richard Tognetti (Australian Chamber Orchestra leader) in Saturday's The Age:
"I love reading Cormac McCarthy. It's just the most amazing prose. His description of nature is phenomenal. I carry this quote with me because I just think it's astonishing:
His pale hair was white. He looked 14 going on some age that never was. He looked as if he'd been sitting there and God had made the trees and rocks around him. He looked like his own reincarnation and then his own again. Above all else, he looked to be filled with a terrible sadness, as if he harboured news of some horrendous loss that no one else had heard of yet; some vast tragedy - not a fact or incident or event but of the way the world was.
"I find that to be one of the most powerful paragraphs I've ever read."

I think I had better start reading some of Cormac McCarthy's work. I can only hope that one day I might be able to put together such a well crafted and resonating paragraph. Despite the onslaught of the digital, there is still power and inspiration in the written word.

Virgoean Tendencies..

2004-11-14T10:57:41Z

I think I turned into a Virgo overnight. It is very scary. My house is constantly ultra tidy and clean. I vacuum 3 times a week. I wash the floors once a week. I even cleaned my fridge and freezer, and by that I mean I took everything out, took out the shelves and compartments and washed them thoroughly and then neatly put everything back in. I wash my dishes every night. My hair products are all neatly displayed in height and usefulness order. My CDs are in type of music and date order. I put my remote controls back in their "correct" place after using them. I put my cushions back in their "right" place after lounging about on them. I even make my bed every morning before I leave for work. I am very worried. Surely this is not natural behaviour...

kaevhe @ 2004-09-08T21:27:00

2004-09-08T11:41:33Z

somedays everything just seems so pointless
when will I remember what it is to live instead of merely to exist?
and does it really matter if I do?
I disappoint myself
humanity disappoints me
the only thing I am looking for
I can not find
or else it wants to hide
but I am tired of seeking
I am sick of caring
I don't think that I ask to much
or that my expectations are too high
I just want kindness, laughter, understanding and respect.
Do I act like a doormat
or do people just treat me like that?
Being nice is going to kill me..
it would be so much easier to be a bitch
if I didn't care about how others feel..
but I do
and I can't stop the pain
not even bottles of wine
can blot the merry-go-round of thoughts from my messed up mind
I could have made a difference
but I missed my chance
so all thats left is to learn my lesson
and move away from the past.

kaevhe @ 2004-08-27T22:37:00

2004-08-27T12:39:19Z

well this has been a crap arse month.

How sweet

2004-07-28T11:40:49Z

Everyone was so happy and chirpy to see me back from holidays. Bizarre. Maybe I should go on holidays more often.. One good thing is that we haven't been told we are moving locations.. yet. Apparently Monday could be the day.. As long as it is to the city I will be ok..

I like my house so much better when it is tidy. I should remember that the next time I am all sooky about mess and chaos..

My writing group looks like it is going to become a reality. I am actually finding the group a little more interesting and easy to interact with now that I have spent time with them drinking wine and nibbling munchies and finding out about their histories and their desired writing futures. Now if only I could get off my butt and finish a story instead of starting another new one.

Oopsie

2004-07-26T13:52:53Z

I got a phone call from lil sis telling me that she had left both sets of her house keys in my car. Now.. this wouldn't be a problem except for the fact my car was in my driveway in Melbourne, her house keys are for her house in Wollongong and she was currently in Goulburn.. an hour or so from Wollongong. I had even asked her before she left if she had remembered everything.. I guess my big sister skills are out of practice. I am now waiting to hear the latest saga of her dramatic trip home. Apparently she also took a wrong turn at Goulburn and ended up in Sydney town.. Ooopsie! I hope she manages to break into her house or else she will be spending a chilly night sleeping in her car.

I still need a holiday

2004-07-24T13:40:47Z

One weeks holiday is not enough - especially when 2 days of that involved driving long distances with the possibility of hitting kangaroos.. I was in the zone. It was as if I was playing a computer game, having to keep within a certain speed limit, dodge roadkill, not miss signs and turn offs, survey the road ahead and behind for police sneakily hiding and armed with their laser guns, avoiding dumb ass crazy drivers (usually in chunky 4WD trucks) and keeping ahead of psychopathic semi-trailer drivers who wanted to go down hills at 140ks on my rear bumper bar. I even had my very own soundtrack. I also learned to drink out of 1.25 litre bottle of coke whilst staying on the road. That was tricky. I made sure to perfect the skill when there were no other cars on the freeway.
At one point there was a hold up where a truck had skidded and tipped on its side across the highway. I made the most of the opportunity to stretch my legs. I happened to bend back and whooosh!! The sky was absolutely full of stars. It had been so long since I had been away from a major city that I had forgotten how many stars there really were. That was definately refreshing.
I have also realised why I have been so frustrated lately. I want to be a writer and yet I haven't done anything recently in my life except the drudge of work home work home work home ad nauseum. Even going away for just one week I have filled up my notebook with lil stories and happenings that could be expanded on later.
My sister's place in Wollongong is so great. It is so her. There is a window seat in her bedroom with a view of the escarpment and hills. It makes such a difference having something worthwhile to look at out the window. Her lil half house is full of her stuff - there are persian rugs covering the vinyl floors, artworks lean against the wall, books on every spare surface, cupboards full of interesting bits and pieces. I would have liked to stay longer.. but she wanted to get to Melbourne and see people and do things.. Fair enough as Wollongong isn't exactly "exciting" but it was what I needed. Although I still could have done with temperatures above 15..pity I didn't follow through with that tropical island idea.

Worn out in so many ways

2004-07-15T12:48:49Z

I am so worn out.. I need a holiday..
Wow! Hows that?! I start my holiday tomorrow afternoon - whoop!
I need to get away from work, my house, melbourne, this dreary weather.
Emotionally, physically and mentally I am exhausted. I need a break. I need the chance to recharge.
I just want everything to stop.. so I can go away, take a breathe and then when I am ready it can all start again. I am just tired. Tired of so many things. If I had the energy I would just up and run away to somewhere deserted and quiet...
I am tired of being made to feel responsible for so many things that are not entirely my doing. I am tired of never having enough sleep. I am tired from being so cold all the time. I am tired of never being able to stop my brain from ticking over a thousand things at once. I am tired of worrying about money.
I would so like to crawl into a nice quiet dark cave and curl up for the next 3 months....and sleep...dream...forget..

The best excuse for a film ever

2004-07-12T10:50:23Z

On watching Charlie's Angels, I have realised that it must have been the best excuse for a film ever. I mean its basically a full feature length film clip with a kick arse soundtrack. I realise this is not a new theory or observation. Beautiful well dressed girlies kicking butt and being smart at the same time?! Wow! And how come they all have some sort of speech impediment? Or was that just in the last scene where the consumption of alcohol makes them all turn into giggly twelve year olds at the prospect of almost having met their boss.. It's just as well the hard core feminists have given up all hope and started watching meg ryan films so they don't need to feel all outraged and bitter about this new generation of want it all girls.
It's the Peter Pan Syndrome all back to front, where Wendy gets a piece of the action and doesn't have to go back to be all boring grown-up and responsible in the "real world". And seriously.. is it such a bad thing to have this as escapist fantasy compared to some wishy washy "princess saved by her knight in shining armour" story which has been shoved down small girls throats for ever..(I will leave that one right there). "I want a man to save meeeee.. to make me feel beautiful and care for me so that I can feel fulfilled by doing his cooking and cleaning and wifely duties for the rest of my life.." because that is the definition of "happily ever after" which they forget to mention in the story books.. I would prefer to get to drive fast cars, dress in fantastic clothes and kick the butt of anyone who got in my way.. AND have a thumping soundtrack all of my very own.
Oh dear.. what has the world come to? Girls wanting to stay girls and not take on the responsibility of being Women, to run amok with their own money and independence and do it gorgeously. I'm not sure that is what all that burning of bras in the 70s was about..Besides it's difficult to do those high flying kicks without the proper support - unless you are of course Cameron Diaz.
Regardless of the politics or lack of it in this film - it has an amazing depth of colour, the richness of the contrasts and lushness of textures just makes it eadible. The edits are fast and furious. It's cute and clever just like its stars - aaah Lucy Lui. It's just damn fun.. I want friends like that.. well no I don't cos they would make me feel ordinary..But I can dream..

addiction to distraction

2004-07-11T11:39:20Z

I am obsessed with downloading mps once again.
I search for random artists and watch as a list of their songs appear, scrolling down the page, endlessly for the next five minutes. Mixes, re-mixes, whole albums and originals.
I read through all those choices, randomly double clicking on any that take my fancy.
I then watch as the little blue column increases as the download begins, 5% or 2:45:03 remaining. I click on another selection and watch entranced as another blue column appears and flicks between the two downloads. It's a race to see which one will take less time to finish or get kicked half way through.
Meaningless little blue columns growing and flickering, numbers decreasing and increasing. A continous cycle. The anticipation when the download hits 98%. Will it be complete in 20seconds or 5 minutes. I have to know, I have to watch. The joy as it finishes and the feeling of accomplishment. Instantly I have to hear what I have downloaded, hoping like hell it isn't a crap blippity fuzzy second rate rip.
And then I realise how much time I have wasted watching the download process and how much hard drive space I am filling up. But it does not stop this desire to feel somehow connected.

In need of a giant leap forward.

2004-07-10T12:43:23Z

It takes chatting with someone on-line who i haven't spoken to for 9 months to realise how far I really haven't come.. Apparently the things I were complaining about in my life now were exactly the same as then.. as were the things I was going to do. Slightly dis-heartening I would say. But also an eye opener.. as I am stuck in my lil hole of angst and can't look outside and see the seasons changing around me.

I need somewhere I can see a horizon. I look out the windows from my house and all I can see are other houses looking in on me. I feel over-crowded, paranoid, closed-in claustrophobic. Everywhere I look are two storey houses, black windows with only a smidge of sky visible. I miss being able to breathe, drink in the sky spread out above and around me.
I keep the blinds shut because anyone walking down the street can look in.. And thats how I feel.. as if I have pulled the blinds down and don't want to let anyone in. I feel like I have left the house and wont be home for a while, the dust has settled, the mice are running around in my head and the spiders are spinning their webs - silken curtains to trap me here until the essence is slowly sucked out.. but I don't notice. I'm not here.

I watched "Reality Bites".. which I hadn't seen for years. I don't remember clothes looking so crap in the 90's.. It's amazing how reality blurs with time. It made me remember how I used to be.. and I realised I have been in that same early 20s angst mode the last few months.. "I was going to be someone, I was going to do something! What's happened? Where did all my dreams go? Why are they not reality by now?" I am confused.. should I be still striving for those goals.. or is it better to learn to be happy with what I have? Is it better to want more or accept..Do I have enough? But will material possessions ever replace the need for an inner satisfaction.. the feeling that I'm doing something useful.. or do I look for the use in what I am currently doing.. No wonder I never make decisions.. I think too much..

So far and yet so not

2004-07-01T09:52:56Z

I am voluntarily eating spinach.
I don't go out friday nights so I can work overtime on saturdays.
I bought a car that I am going to owe money on for quite a while (something I said I would never do.. but it is very sporty and shiny and silvery and glows red and generally is very very nyummy.. so perhaps I can forgive myself.. PLUS I got it a lot cheaper than a brand new car even though it was only 8 months old - it's ever so difficult to avoid a bargain..)
I will not compromise on important issues to me.
I am working out a budget.. *cry* no more spur of the moment expensive purchases just because I have a credit card. ( I think my car purchase has well and truly put me off that habit..) This means getting a libarary card and burning other people's cds... rather than buying books and cds.
I will find a new place to live because ever since I moved into this house I have been apathetic about everything.. no energy.. no motivation.. just a haze of caffeine and coldness.
My priority is me. I will be number one girl.
I just hate the steps back I have to take to get moving forward...It would be nice to just be able to go forward without all the crapiness..

Frustrating bundle of stupid

2004-06-13T13:23:14Z

What an annoying and frustrating weekend. Car problems = $$ and no car for 4 days. This meant putting people out by asking them to come and pick me up to take me into work when none of them live particularly close to where I live. I appreciate that they did it. Those guys sure do have their moments.
The boy side of things is just getting stupid. The one person I wanted to call me of course never did. Always they way.. And every other guy who I like, but not enough, rang.. Then I had accommodation wars.. I should just start up a B&B at my house.. So one guy didn't confirm so I gave my room to someone else.. and now the first guy seems to be ignoring me.. well at the least he wasn't accepting my apology phone calls to his mobile. I am way too nice. So consequently I spent most of my weekend not doing any of things I had wanted to do over a long weekend. I didn't really even get to go dancing or sleep in or read the big pile of books next to my bed.
I need to find a career cos the whole contractor telstra slave thing isn't doing it for me. I am yet to decide whether career = writing or if career is something other than writing.. and writing just stays as writing..
To distract myself I am looking up island resort holidays I have no hope of affording but it is always worth dreaming...

Obviously a depressive drunk

2004-06-07T12:35:51Z

Um well.. Apologies for such a long and tedious entry last night. Oh the angst. When will I learn to stop drinking alcohol at the point before the onset of navel gazing depression sets in?
It is understandable. The last week has been one of intense pressure and re-assessment. Apparently I cost the company more than I make.. or something. I am quite certain there are some major over-sights in the collection and interpretation of the so called "statistics".. but unfortunately I don't know what the bigger game being played is.. So once more I have to sit down, shut up and hope for the best. I dislike the fact that I feel so powerless. The only power I have is to stand up and tell Them where to shove their job.. but not having another job lined up, this might not be such a good tactic - possibly more foolhardy than brave. How I wish I could turn it all around and be the hero of the story instead of a seemingly helpless victim. Help! Help me! I'm drowning in obscurity and meaningless day job antics!! Blah.
Writing is apparently a lot of hard work. I was aware of this but somedays analysing my options, it seems a very long and difficult route to be taking. I guess I have the required tenacity, stubbornness and strong will to make it happen.. if I so desire. Do I desire? But do I have the talent.. the mysterious X factor so required to get to the top of the publishers pile... I should stop asking questions or else I will never start.
Too many thoughts. Too much living in my head. My body is rebelling against me. This in itself is a battle of wills. Torn in two by myself. Stupid, annoying and apparently unstoppable. Maybe it is a reflection of my external situation manifesting within my subconscious and filtering through to my body. Body vs brain debate. Am I the same as me? Balance.. the thing I never seem to get the hang of.. Obviously I am not a Libra...

A bottle of wine

2004-06-06T12:31:42Z

I am doing my best to be a real writer by initiating myself into the whole inspirational wine blur after consuming a bottle of wine by myself. It is a scary thing to manage to drink a bottle of wine by oneself. I am not sure it is something I want to get used to. However I have discovered I much prefer red to white. I am not sure if this has something to do with the staining qualities of red wine or not.. knowing my luck this would indeed be the case - super co-ordinated person that I am.
I haven't actually gained any inspiration from this exercise.. so perhaps I am not a real writer at all.. but only in the overly stereo-typical view of what a writer is. I have spent a lot more time reading books lately. Quite a few prize winning literary books to gain inspiration and ideas about structure and rhythm. I find it easy to start writing but I get stuck with my ideas.. i have an idea and it only goes so far. I lack commitment. But what's new?
I hardly get on-line anymore.. I was under the impression I wanted to make a go of this "real life" thing that people talked of.. Somedays I am not sure I am made out for the real world. There are so many things I would rather not know or have to deal with. I came to Melbourne because I wanted to lead a crazy fun filled life of extravagance and partying before I got too old to actually have had any sense of hedonistic activity. Unfortunately.. I seem to have come to a stop. I can't be bothered making friends. I try and try to be friendly but to no avail.. or else I just give up presuming people wouldn't find me interesting in the least "Oh they are much too fun and interesting to want to hang out with me.." Where does this patheticness come from? Why does my stupid high school self-esteem follow me constantly? I think this is the base of all my current problems.. that I underestimate myself. I presume that people couldn't possibly like me as much as they let on.. Because I know all my secrets, I know all my flaws, I conclude that I should somehow protect these unaware and naive people from my very messed up head.
Somedays I question why I came to Melbourne. I mourn for the warmth and the openess of Perth. I miss so many things and so many people. But the fact is that by going back.. I would be going back to what I was.. and I have changed. I am not even sure if I would be able to fit back in my lil slot if I returned. I need to prove to myself that I can succeed,to prove that what I want IS possible, that it has been worth all the sacrifices.
Somedays I wish for the seeming happiness of a normal life, a life without this relentless drive to be something.. to do, to at least make an effort to live my dreams, to not accept "good enough". And now.. it is at the point that I can't give up. It would mean I had sacrificed so much for nothing. I fear that I might decide that all I want is a child, a husband, a simple life of cooking and cleaning for the rest of my natural life. Am I selfish for wanting to avoid those things? And yet.. the biological urge is getting more and more difficult to still and silence. The problem is.. I don't know what will make me happy. I never have. For so long I thought it was other people's purpose to make me happy. I now realise it is up to me.. but I have no idea where to start. How to silence the harsh critic forever in my head..